So, here it is: the first day I’m home alone with my new baby. New baby who is almost seven weeks old. New baby who sleeps like a champ; new baby who is happy around the entire family (when they’re here — my husband and I both live out of state); new baby who has been the biggest and best surprise of my life. But, now that everyone is gone — both Moms came to help for three weeks at a time — I feel like a kid who just ventured off to college, minus the weed and beer, excited and frightened for doing life solo.

However, nothing could really scare me at this point. After becoming pregnant at 42 with graduation so close (had one semester to go at the point of discovering that someone was living inside my uterus) and a new career on my horizon, I saw all my brand new plans dissipate like fog as the sun rises. But that’s okay. At first, no, it wasn’t. I was pissed. I was sad. I was saying to myself: “You can’t have a baby now!!” All my hard work over the last four years… was I doomed to place my life on hold again? 

Thing is: this was my joke as I was getting my under-grad. (Yes, I’m a late career-switcher who never finished her degree in the first place because I was waiting for online classes and the internet to make my academic experience easier. Of course that is a false statement; I was too impetuous when I was younger to be in one place, one college, one university — I did attend three before finally going to the current university from which I had just graduated. I couldn’t possibly stay put for longer than six months to a year. I moved more times in a year than most do in their life!) Oh, back to the joke: I would say to friends that instead of going “out there” and getting a job after graduating, I’d get knocked up and stay at home again. But, this time, I’d have a degree and, crossing fingers, work from home. Well, hahaha… it all came true.

I was nervous about being pregnant at 42, well 43, really, since I turned 43 two months after my baby discovery. I kept saying things like my eggs were old, that I needed sleep, that I didn’t want to wipe anyone’s ass but my own, that I just couldn’t possibly go back to Babyland when I had my soon-to-be 9 year old displaying signs of independence and self-reliance. Oh, to have to watch a small human all day; make sure they don’t fall off the bed, choke on their spit-up, hold up their head… hold them, hold them, hold them. A lot of holding here… but, I don’t mind. I’m not scared. I’m totally in love.

img_0156So in love that I am not pissed that I had just lost 15 pounds before getting pregnant. Just slipped my ass into a size 4 jeans. Just got so ripped at the gym that I was looking better than some of my classmates who were 20 years younger than I. 

Love will do that. Love will transform any fear and turn it into courage. Love takes me being pissed into me being a total sap. Love will guide you with its light. Love will make being home alone one of the best feelings since being left in my dorm room.

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